You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
