I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have feelings that need drinking.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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