cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
being pregnant is like rehab
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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