Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
