just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
