So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
