Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
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Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
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My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices