YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
