Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
