You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
