I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
