I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
