remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
