Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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