i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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