Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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