I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
