First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
