Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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