God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
