i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
as a side note pls kill me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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