if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
