the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
