She is in my trunk
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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