even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
