when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
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There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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