Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
There are leaves in my underwear?
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