i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
