OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
