My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
