If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
