He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
