My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
