I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
