so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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