i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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