Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
