I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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