I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
