I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
