I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
