Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
