4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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