Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
