are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
