This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
