Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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