Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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