I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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