I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize