i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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