Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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