yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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