Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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