I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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