I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
