you have to choose: penises or morals?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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