I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
