I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
