I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
