I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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