Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
