Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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